As I re read this I think there is some selfpity in there, some pride, some ingratitude……………but at times it is good just to pour out the cry from captivity in order to be real and be free
pour my heart out to friends and God knowing that this is not my confession but a cry of the heart as of David or Job, knowing deep inside above all else that my Redeemer LIVES
Why God when I got so excited when I was born again more than 20 years ago that finally you would take care of finding a mate for me, why did I continue to mess up in relationships and why in middle age with fading looks and barren now am I still alone? When my heart is flooded with love to give, when joy and laughter and service are robes I love to wear, why when service and submission can be a joy, why with beauty and charm and travel and languages and culture am I sitting alone in rural Ireland with no human contact physically except to hug my beautiful sons and occasionally my grandson?
Why God gift me with intelligence and experience and talent and humour and education to end up in a council house on benefits struggling to make ends meet? When many less talented than me have overtaken me?
Why God when I laid hands on my daughter in her cot every night as a baby and prayed and thanked You for a godly husband for her of Your choosing and gifting, why is she living unmarried to a man not working, also on benefits, a man different to her in education and experience and respect and ambition……why do they not church when You said ‘she would not depart from it?’ Why God did my prayers seemingly come to naught?
Why God after 40 years of trying to fix my parents marriage, of trying to create and participate in and generate a happy extended family why is is still a mess, with sisters not talking to each other, sexual abuse passed on to the next generation despite prayers and cries of the heart, alcoholism manifest in many, issues undealt with, denial still in place, neglect, and some suffering alone so much………..why God?
Why God when so many times over the last 2 decades I have laid down my life for you and asked you to use me…….why God am I still isolated and hidden away and idle in Your kingdom? When God?
Why God did you show me a dream in meeting Jeffrey and having such a connection long distance and understanding each other and laughing and yearning………why did it come to naught? Why did my children grow to love him over the phone only to be let down again? Why God did I ignore the signs of addiction in him and waste thousands going to meet him only to be disappointed and let down?
Why God after 20 years of almost constant tithing and offering am I still living from welfare check to welfare check and behind on my bills and loan payments? Show me God………..
“WHAT IS ON YOUR HEART?
TELL ME WHAT TO DO………
LET ME KNOW YOUR WILL
AND I WILL FOLLOW YOU……….”
FORGIVE ME GOD……….YOU ALREADY HAVE
And finally, why God when You have shown me the beautiful face and eyes and love of Jesus within inches of my face, when you have had Jesus touch my lung and heal it, when You spoke to me in an audible voice, when You let me see angels and visions……….when I have had ministry and deliverence and read books and studied Your Word…………why God am I still stuck in my carnal habits of smoking and drinking and over eating? WHY GOD?
REMIND ME OF MY SALVATION LORD……….ASSURE ME I AM SAVED AND HAVE A HOUSE IN HEAVEN PREPARED BY YOU…………HOLY SPIRIT SHOW ME YOUR PLAN………..
“JESUS TAKE ME AS I AM
I CAN COME NO OTHER WAY
TAKE ME DEEPER INTO YOU
MAKE MY FLESH LIFE MELT AWAY
MAKE ME LIKE A PRECIOUS STONE
CRYSTAL CLEAR AND FINELY HONED
LIGHT OF JESUS SHINING THROUGH
SENDING GLORY BACK TO YOU…………”
and Lord let me love and be loved before your return?