I am gonna bottom line it cos that’s how I feel………I LOVE the American culture for their directness!
Joyce Meyer’s second husband prayed to God to give him a wife who needed help….they are still together 30 plus years later and an awesome team
Periodically I have men fall at my feet in cyber space and propose to me or flirt with me or attempt to start a relationship with me.
Many times it starts with my photos because men like visual as a first point of contact!
If they take a few days to delve into my notes or inter act with me innocently, it can be painful for me if they then shock horror discover I had mental health issues in the past and still walk out my healing
so I thought……..let me do a synopsis an direct them to this one note and say if you have any designs whatsoever on any kind of a relationship with me read this one note!!
I have a moderate form of DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER
Instead of ‘in situ’ fracturing of the personality, I moved compulsively and changed partners abput once a year. I lived in 46 homes in 48 years in 7 countries on 3 continents. I was engaged 3 times, married twice, and in multiple apparently serious relationships. I had 11 serious proposals of marriage and usually resolved them by moving, often to a different country, leaving guys confused and in some cases devastated, because of a lack of understanding of my condition.
I had a history of unresolved child abuse…sexual, physical and emotional. My abuse though awful was not as horrific as many cases, but I also had a very sensitive nature and high iq which exacerbated the symptoms and reaction to extreme stress.
Ongoing symtoms included depression, alienation, addictions (nicotine, alcohol, food in my case), flashbacks and post traumatic stress disorder. I would develop a stammer during periods of extreme stress, as well as agorophobia, fear of men, mute periods, and severe anxiety and rage.
I call my different states MODES or PHASES….I feel completely justified and authentic in each mode, and only with hindsight sometimes years later do I say ‘what was I thinking??’ when I read writing from different ‘phases’ in my life I am shocked at the content and do not remember much of it or empathise with it.
The modes I am conscious of are as follows:
GIRLY…flirtatious, giggly, ‘blonde’, aged about 16
INTELLECTUAL…arty farty I sometimes call it, very plummy British accent, highbrow, about 25
FEMININE…acutely so, dollies, nursery rhymes, frills and lace, baking and flower arranging, age 35
FEMINIST…aggressive, assertive, American!, disparaging, witty, incisive, condescending…age 25
PATHOS…I don’t want to say pathetic! Insecure, needy, clingy, demanding, whiny…age 15
PHILANTHROPIST…I have fostered damaged children and have great empathy for them…age 45
TEMPTRESS… I do sex kitten and sometimes dress inappropriately……..age 25
MOTHER…I have worked hard at this role and can seem perfect apple pie Mum, served on Parents association, Residents association etc. Forceful and firm with teachers, doctors etc. Childrens’ advocate…..age 45
CLOWN…this was an early survival mechanism and one I still resort to …I adore humor and irony..age ? anything from 11 to 52
DEPRESSIVE…I get suicidal from time to time, with ongoing detailed ideation, although I have not to date acted out…age…11 to 52 (usually in response to severe stress or on abandonment)
MUTE…involuntary lack of speech is usually an indication that I am in severe posttraumatic stress.
There are probably more but for now that suffices. Overt yet gentle expressions of love can usually release me from an involuntary dissociation. I am at my healthiest and most stable when in a physical committed relationship.
If you think you are secure enough in who YOU are to survive and even enjoy the ride, then by all means court me in any or all of my modes and phases. If not…..for my own sanity and yours…MOVE RIGHT ALONG!!
I am a born again christian and also highly intelligent and educated. I have experienced a great deal of healing and continue to do so. I have not succeeded thus far in SUSTAINING a longterm committed relationship with a man, although I have definitely loved and been loved for periods of time.
I am great fun and adorable and scintillating, intelligent, stimulating and intrigueing…great company and usually the life and soul of the party.
I can also be paralysed with depression, sadness, despair and rage.
I smoke a pack of cigarettes daily, the longest I have quit in my adult life was a year. I can drink alcoholically and although I can also drink moderately it probably better behooves me to stay sober. I find Alcoholics Anonymous a very supportive and healthy structure although I don’t like ongoingly calling myself MY NAME IS ANGIE AND I’M AN ALCOHOLIC because words are very powerful and I want to re inforce my healing not my desease!
People often refer to or perceive me as happy, light, bright, funny, confident, capable etc etc. i am and can be those things. But the small print should also include the above!!
If you feel you can be who you are with me and the above, if you feel led to love me and let me be, as well as believing for my total healing, if you feel my different modes and vast life experience can support you in being the best you you can be……if you are brave enough to take the ride…….
contact me !
I updated my wish list of what I want in a man recently, just for fun (one friend remarked well, it had better be a widower because no woman alive would let go of a man like that!! and my niece said I would only find such a man in Heaven!)…..I will take who ever God chooses for me even a bald Quasimodo ha ha…but it”s healthy for me to dream and get specific. Why don’t you do the same….just for the heck of it!!
MY IDEAL MAN IS EITHER A FEW YEARS OLDER THAN ME OR A FEW YEARS YOUNGER. HE IS WEALTHY, SOPHISTICATED AND GENEROUS . HE TITHES AND GIVES TO THE POOR. HE HONORS FAMILY AND THE CHURCH. HE SPEAKS IN TONGUES AND LOVES MUSIC. HE IS UNUSUAL LIKE ME, SAVED OUT OF THE WORLD, AND TAKES PEOPLE AS THEY ARE LOVINGLY AND COMPASSIONATELY. HE HAS A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR AND COMIC TIMING. HE IS HANDSOME WITH HAIR AND IN FAIRLY GOOD SHAPE. HE LOVES HORSES AND SAILING AND TRAVEL AND FINE DINING AND SPEAKS A SECOND LANGUAGE. HE IS SUCCESSFUL AND HAS GOOD SELF ESTEEM AND IMAGE. HE ADORES MY CHILDREN AND GRANDSON AND MOST ESPECIALLY ME. HE POSSIBLY HAS CHILDREN TOO WHOM HE HONORS, ADORES AND SUPPORTS, AND THEY WILL GET ON GREAT WITH ME AND MY FAMILY. GOD COMES FIRST IN HIS LIFE. HE IS AT LEAST 5 FOOT ELEVEN. HE HONORS MY TALENTS AND ABILITIES AND IS SECURE IN HIS POSITION AS MY HEAD AND HUSBAND AND PROVIDER! HE HAS UNDERSTANDING OF MY MULTI FACETED PERSONALITY AND IS SECURE ENOUGH TO LET ME BE AND IN LOVE ENOUGH TO EMPOWER ME TO BE ALL GOD WANTS ME TO BE. HE KNOWS AND LOVES THAT I DO THE SAME FOR HIM. HE IS FAITHFUL IN EVERY WAY.
Ha ha on re reading this note I realise it would only be God that would lead you to me because on the face of it most men would run for the hills on reading this!